Been there, done that. I probably had Covid twice, but one seemed asymptomatic. (Fully vaxxed each time.) The first time, had only a household member with Covid and some low blood-oxygen readings. The second time, felt like a bad case of flu, tested positive.

Covid seemed to linger for a longer time than most other viral infections I’ve had. Low energy, draggy, for a good month or two after I was physically “recovered.” That I needed to self-quarantine, and my inability to get basic ADLs (activities of daily living) done efficiently contributed to feelings of depression. There was probably also a physiological Covid-related component to my feeling overall “down” as well.

It will pass, eventually (fingers crossed). It just seemed to take longer than run-of-the-mill illnesses. Be gentle with yourself.

And for heaven’s sake, start an investment retirement account now. Yeah, I know, “but I’m not making enough, but there’s that shiny thing in the (online) store window, but I’m never going to get old.” Just allot one take-out coffee’s worth of spare change per week. You can up the ante later. Let the miracle of compound interest do its thing.

An occasional thought that flits by, dissipates quickly, likely not an issue. But by definition, “intrusive” means a thought that nags, disrupts, is unwelcome in frequency, intensity. It would be worth finding a therapist to get to the reason, the source—and to find better ways to defuse or address these thoughts. They aren’t there “for no reason at all.” With a clearer sense of the reason, you can seek better ways to address the root cause.

Can’t do tech very well, but give me needle, thread, and I can mend! Nobody does that anymore, either.

It sounds like you may be feeling very self-conscious about interactions. It took me a long time to learn, but much of the time (I’ve come to realize), “they ain’t studying on me.” Like—other people aren’t scrutinizing me or judging me as much as I think they are.

Plenty of people are so wrapped up up in their own heads that they aren’t paying you any attention, perhaps not realizing how you are reading their responses to you.

Maybe it’s just me getting older, but “when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple.” If others think I’m dressed weird or acting oddly—what of it? I don’t need (and can’t have) everyone’s approval. Sure—there are limits; I don’t want to endanger myself or others, or provoke hostility. I don’t want to be mean to anyone.

If you make overtures of friendship and kindness and are turned away, that says a lot more about others than it does about you.

There are a number of resources pinned on this community for those in need of extra help.

I’m so glad you took the time to update! It sounds like, although it was an unpleasant experience, you made good use of it by figuring out what was behind the feelings, what was motivating your downward spiral, and what you can do to help yourself get back on track.

I know it’s easier said than done, and something I struggle with too—but don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good. As in, maybe you’ll try and not get it absolutely perfect. But doing a “good enough” job is sometimes (often?) better than doing nothing at all. We all make mistakes, even with the best of intentions and effort. But the only real “failure” is screwing up, and not learning anything from it. I think it was Einstein who said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”

Thank you for asking how I’m doing! Well—muddling through. Sitting in a nursing home with my partner who has Alzheimer’s, where I visit her every day. Not what I wanted for my retirement. I try to look for good things, small things. She still knows who I am, and we still love each other. I’m comfortable financially. I’m going to see my friends in church tomorrow; hopefully, the meditation class I’ll be teaching will go over well. Trying to get motivated to mow the yard!

Be well, my friend, and take good care of yourself. We all have ups and downs; give yourself what you need to pick yourself up again.

Absolutely! Toasted, with ketchup!

Sorry, absolutely no clue—like at least 30-40 years ago.

Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. And if they do? Bite them back!

I hear this! Mine now tries to snuggle up by shoving his butt toward my face, and draping his tail across my mouth.

I’ve read about a variation of this and do it faithfully! Except you have to be driving under an overpass with train tracks, and there has to be a (preferably moving) train on the tracks above you. The idea is that when you press your hand to the car’s ceiling, you get to send a wish to hitch a ride on the train going by above you. The moving train takes your wish along with it, giving it quicker travels, more exposure to the world, and thus more opportunities to be fulfilled.

I read your post a couple of hours ago, and thought about it–and I’m so glad you’ve been able to make some moves toward resolution.

One thing I keep thinking about, which you may not have had a chance to address: what is so troubling about the application?

Does it lead you to activities you don’t want to perform? That is, if your application is accepted, and you complete the tasks that you’ve applied for, will you be happy, satisfied, fulfilled during and after those activities? Perhaps you have some deep sense that you don’t want to go where this application takes you. Or perhaps your stumbling block is fear of failing at the tasks once you are admitted. Perhaps even your subconscious resistance is symbolic–it’s a next step in growing up, moving on to the next phase of your life, and that brings all sorts of uncertainties, worries, opportunities to experience problems.

In any event, I think you’ve found one key to getting through the mental block: you broke the cycle by doing something (anything!) that breaks the pattern–getting out for a walk and a tram ride. Hooray!

Another key, I think, is that you mention missing doses of medication. Psych meds can do strange things to the mind, and sometimes (as you point out) the body/mind needs to adjust and ride out the change. Skipping doses can make you “think things you’re not really thinking”–can shift brain chemistry in ways that make you believe the mental states are arising internally, when in fact they are chemically induced. Skipping doses can play havoc with your mental state. If the meds aren’t working, or seem to be creating more problems than they solve, by all means ask your psych for a change–but it’s not helpful to change the schedule of dosing just because you feel (or don’t feel) like doing so.

Paying someone a simple, spur of the moment compliment, when they seem pretty happy already—and then realizing from the expression on the recipient’s face that it really meant a whole lot more to them than you thought it would.

And to hear those children laughing, and a bunch of other stuff to cheer you up: https://www.peptoc.net/hotline. (Free “warm line” with pre-recorded messages—from kids!)

First—wow. You’re living an incredibly full life. You’re meeting the situation you’re in by working two jobs; looking toward the future with the university degree. You have an admirably balanced portfolio of purposeful avocational activities to meet spiritual, physical and social needs. You’ve thought out and researched how mind and body work.

But I find myself wondering: “But when do you dream?” I’m not referring to sleep-dreaming. Rather, I’m thinking of something more like meditation—where the mind is either not engaged in purposeful activitiy, or is engaged in activity that is so rote, so engrained as automatic, that the subconscious is free to make its own associations that (for lack of a better descriptor) allow it to connect the dots from what seem to be disparate experiences.

I’m a (retired) academic. You mention you’re progressing further in university studies. You don’t describe it as onerous in terms of literal time commitments: absorbing material, completing tasks that assess subject mastery.

My experience has been that intensive intellectual processing seems to drain some sort of subconscious reservoir, which then demands to be replenished. If I do not give this process its due, eventually I become a gibbering idiot; for lack of a better term, I think of it as “brain-lock.” If I try to push through, I make stupid mistakes. Like the day I woke up, cleaned my contact lenses like I had done for some 20 years, and tried to pop them in my eyes using the soap solution instead of the wetting solution. I burned my eyes so badly I had to take the day off. (No long-term harm—just serious ouch.)

Another consideration: You don’t say how old you are; some details you mention suggest you’re beyond early 20s. Specifics aren’t particularly important. I’m old enough to be retired. So here’s the point: as we age, the balance of body-mind-spirit components we need will change. I find that I need more “free-range” mental/emotional time to recover from stressful situations. Perhaps that is also so for you.

I don’t know what components you may want or need to shift in your schedule. But since you’ve asked what’s going on, I’ve offered my best guess on what you might need to assemble your own answer.

For all of us with ADHD, autism spectrum, or just plain Foot-In-Mouth-ism: been there, done that, second-guessing making this post even as I write it. Enjoy this comic: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/cues

Good point about “cheating”! I imagine there are some places where standing up (rather than tub-bath, or sitting down for a thorough scrub) is considered the cheat-form!

Saw your previous post in this community… I hear you. I’ve been learning and practicing (by no means yet mastering) being gentle with myself, setting small goals and appreciating small achievements. Like, if you can’t get up and run around the block, can you get up, take a shower, get dressed… and then go back to bed? Sometimes doing that one step today can allow you to do the next thing, tomorrow.

Mod here. Please flair as NSFW. See pinned post from VubDapple.

We’ve got a few pinned posts with a wide variety of resources; please check these to see if any look promising. More importantly: use them. Call 988, or a warm-line. You’ve already taken the first step by posting here. Keep going.

I fully agree the two avenues you’ve reached out to so far can be useless. Formal, one-on-one treatment lags massively beyond need–every news outlet runs stories, citing politicians who allocated big bucks to resources… which take years to get anything accomplished, and likely get bogged in red tape, slush-fund budgeting so you and I get nothing.

People around you often play comparative games: “ooh, let me tell you about MY issues; blah, blah blah; you see? they’re worse than yours, so just suck it up.”

However, I disagree that there’s nothing special about you, or that you’re taking resources someone else might need more. You matter, more than you know. You deserve, as much as anyone, love and help.

There are some good responses already… far less than 5 months.

Two additional strategies. (1) Meditate. If you’re not sure how, let me know; I can suggest some good free starting points. It may seem stupid, irrelevant at first. But I’ve found it’s a remarkable way for me to know what I’m feeling. If I can sit with the feeling long enough, sometimes I can figure out why I’m feeling that way.

(2) Reach out, spread good. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, like “helping someone in more need than you are.” Sometimes, it’s letting someone trying to make a left turn into traffic the space to make that turn. Giving a compliment to a random stranger.

I struggle with depression too. I’ve earned it–my partner with Alzheimer’s is in a nursing home I call “Roach Motel” it’s so badly run. (No, this is not “my problems are worse than yours.”) I visit daily. I brush her hair, hold her hand, holler for aides when they ignore the call bell–I make a difference in her life. I like some of the aides, and I think others are pure a**holes. But I bring in inexpensive snacks, give compliments when I can, and treat people with a crappy job with as much respect and kindness as I can muster. Some days, I REALLY don’t want to visit… but I make myself. And always, when I leave, the depression has lifted a little.

Been through grad school, 1980s. Survived. Tenured. Emeritus. Retired. I’m sure it’s only gotten worse. The whole thing is set up to weed out… basically a whole bunch of people, because higher ed is not providing enough jobs for people with PhDs. (Yes, I know there are advanced degrees that don’t lead to an academic job.) And it’s set up to provide a slave labor force of teachers for undergrad classes. A lot of fine people end up bag ladies, or moving off to organic lesbian goat farms (two examples from my peer group).

And it’s functionally a stress test, to find the cracks, before grad students get out in the real world and face the insane demands of a life of itinerant adjuncting, the horrors of seeking tenure, or the other professional jobs that require higher degrees. If they crack after graduating, they can take a lot of other people down with them. (Seen that happen, too.)

That doesn’t excuse any of it, not by a long shot. A whole bunch of stuff in this world needs to be reformed. But: it does offer a chance to see that it’s only a game—and if the game is something that makes you miserable, you need to find a different game. A game where you can find ways to be kind, and not perpetuate the misery.