Advice possibly appreciated, but I’m gonna talk to my uncle about a concern I have.
He wants me to visit him on July 4, and whenever a discussion like family gatherings comes up, my uncle can sound very forceful in the way he goes about it. He’ll say stuff like “You ARE going! It’s not optional!”, even though I’m a grown-ass adult living by myself in a totally different state.
There are multiple reasons why I’m opposed to going:
- My time and money: I have been working a lot more to make funds to get the hell out of my current living space. This is crucial because I literally have flat-out racist and evil roommates in my vicinity, and the discomfort they cause me is so much that it’s a grand motivator to make me slave away. Getting on a plane to visit my uncle in a very distant state will cost me the flight and deprive me of time I could spend working. Such an endeavor is not more important than me prioritizing getting the hell out of here. I will have time to visit my uncle later. For now, it’s just not appropriate.
- COVID-19: A lot of people stopped giving a damn, but I’m not going to assume that getting on a plane will be safe for me with COVID-19 considered.
- Awkward encounters: There will likely be other family members there that I haven’t talked to in a long time. I’m non-binary, transfeminine, and I’ve been on estrogen for quite some time, alongside going by a completely different name now. Although I’m out to my uncle, chatting with other family members that I’m still closeted to could still potentially be uncomfortable at best and distressing at worst.
- Being there for my partner: I can’t devote time to my partner at all if I’m focused on ensuring a visit to my uncle. My partner and I are both great supports for each other in times of distress, but we’re also just very in love (gay) and have a ton of happy moments too. Due to her recent streak of more depressive and anxious moments, I want to be as accessible to her in this current moment that I can, as she would want to be the same for me.
There is probably another reason I could dump out of my brain if I think for 5 more minutes, but I’m sure you get the point by now. Due to the very forceful nature of his language in discussing this gathering, I’d feel really bad telling him that I cannot see him for the day that celebrates this horrendous country’s independence.
My uncle is in his late 50’s, but despite this, he will sometimes guilt trip and say things like “I have to reunite with you all before I die,” especially since he has not seen me and some other family, such as my brother and cousins, in a while. It’s just very concerning, and because I’m aware that he has had struggles with depression himself, it makes me feel bad to give him the “No, I’m not going,” but I simply am unable to go.
If he’s so deadset on reuniting, why hasn’t he come to see you? He wants you to drop everything and come see him at emotional and financial cost to yourself, but is unwilling to do the same?
I dunno, might be something for him to consider. I’m sorry you’re in this crappy situation, it sucks that he’s making such firm demands.
Spittin’ straight facts here.
COVID-19
Literally thank you. I got told off today for wearing a mask by a white chud.
Where I am people still mask but proportionally more bipoc people mask than white people and I don’t know why. Why do we understand it better than the white folks? Is it just that we are less sheltered due to systemic oppression so we know that there is no safety, whereas they are used to things just “magically” working out for them?
I think you answered your own question well enough. On a personal level, I was very resistant to the idea that white people were shit and the whole Settlers thing until Covid happened. I still can’t get over that people can actually get offended at another person masking.
Kinda just sounds like a jerk tbh lmao
Maybe I’m unkind. But I’d just tell him and mute or block him if he gets aggressive. If we were irl friends, I’d take your phone and do it for you. I do this for younger comrades all the time, as I’m approaching your uncle’s age and can cut through the bullshit easily.
Feel free to DM me if you want some moral support when this happens.
Also every single bullet point you mentioned is a very good reason to not travel. You’re doing the correct thing.
“No.” is a complete sentence. If he’s too fragile to handle that, he can fuck off.
I’m glad you are still taking covid seriously. Not enough people do. I really would not recommend getting on a plane for that reason. Good luck talking with your uncle, your reasons are all sound so hopefully he’ll respect them. If not, that’s more on him than on you.
Say those 4 reasons to him and be firm in your decision. Do exactly what he’s doing to you in forcefully saying you ARE going.
When my father was near the end of his life, he was like that. Using the prospect of his dying to kind of try to guilt me into committing more than I was willing to. He was a bit of a prick and would take offense if I wasn’t careful in how I turned him down. When I was younger I didn’t give a shit and let him be angry, but I didn’t want to be on bad terms with him because it was clear he was dying.
Of course you don’t owe anyone any explanation and it would be perfectly reasonable to just say no and leave it at that. But I think you can turn him down in a way that preserves your relationship, if that’s what you want.
Start off by telling him that you’ve thought about it but you aren’t going. He’ll want to know why, respond with a reason he cannot counter argue. For example if you start with the concern about the cost, he could counter by saying, “I’ll help you pay”.
You don’t want to let it turn to a debate or argument, so if he tries to, don’t engage. Just say you’re sorry but you’ve already decided.
If he tries to guilt you, call him out on it.
an important part of becoming an adult is realizing you don’t have to do what the older family members dictate (unless they somehow control your present material circumstances) and you don’t even owe them an explanation if they insist on being shitty about it.
my own parents are retired and rich and all they do is travel around and get waited upon. it has rotted their minds.
they live in a disgusting place in a disgusting state and it was a major undertaking for me to make my yearly visits (the logistics of my pets, my house, my job), which they wanted to dictate when I visited so as to not interfere with their unending world tour that was barely slowed by covid and ramped back up by 2023.
I haven’t visited since 2019 and I informed them in 2023 that I would never come to them again, because I have responsibilities and they place they live is disgusting and cruel to non-rich people. if they want to see me, they can travel to me on my schedule because I have not been on a constant vacation for the last 15 years.
they took it real personal, like I was doing it to be mean and still act like it’s temporary. maybe things could be different if I had some kind of support from them, but I was told my whole life growing up that I needed to be self-reliant and not “a bum” living in their giant absurd house. now I live several states and a thousand+ miles away.
I think they are having a real hard time grasping what self-reliance looks like in the 21st century, because they collect rent checks and pay servants to do everything / be nice to them.
the only thing I’m confused by at this point is what took me so long to say “no” to their commands.
I have to reunite with you all before I die
That would be a nice sentiment if he were prepared to put effort in to see you rather than demanding you put the effort in to see him.
I understand feeling bad about it but the only thing you can do is politely tell him you are simply unable to go. He will get over it.
